KissCam

KissCam

Lights up on a living room. A young woman, JANEY, sits on the sofa idly reading a magazine. After a few moments of her reading, she picks up her phone and looks at it.

JANEY                   Only ten minutes till pizza!

She goes back to her magazine, reading and occasionally laughing along with it. After a short time, the door suddenly bangs open and MELODY storms into the room. She is dressed up, but there’s a look of thunder on her face. She slams her clutch bag down, rips off her coat and throws it aside.


JANEY                   Did the date go well?

MELODY              Ha ha.

JANEY                   Are you alright?

MELODY              What do you think?

JANEY                   Oh, come here (she moves to give Melody room to sit, patting the space she’s made) What happened?

Melody moves round, takes off her shoes, and then sits next to Janey, cuddling up to her.

MELODY              It was awful, Janey. I’ve never been so embarrassed.

JANEY                   What did he do? Whip his top off and start dancing and singing? Did he get really drunk and try to put his hand up the waitress’ skirt? Did he call you ‘mum’ as you leaned in for a snog?

MELODY              No. Who would do any of those things?

JANEY                   Wayne did all three on our first date.

MELODY              Wayne who you were engaged to Wayne?

JANEY                   No, Wayne Rooney. Of course Wayne I was engaged to Wayne!

MELODY              I’m sorry, I thought you’d have more class than to want to marry someone who does that on a first date.

JANEY                   I didn’t want to get married to him. Where did you get that idea?

MELODY              He asked you to marry him and you said “yes”.

JANEY                   You can’t read anything into that. I was at a very low point in my life. I’d lost my job. My cat had just died.

MELODY              You were going out with a dickhead called Wayne.

JANEY                   Exactly. It was a bad decision at a bad time. That’s why I broke it off.

MELODY              Didn’t he catch you in bed with the plumber.

JANEY                   No. It was the shower.

MELODY              You’re so classy.

JANEY                   Don’t knock it – it got rid of Wayne and meant I could move in with you.

MELODY              Because he chucked you out.

JANEY                   Yes.

MELODY              And burnt everything that you owned that wouldn’t fit into your one tiny suitcase.

JANEY                   Yes.

MELODY              And got 50 hours of community service for assaulting a plumber with his own wrench.

JANEY                   Spanner.

MELODY              He certainly was.

JANEY                   (laughing) Yeah, he was a bit awful. So, come on then, what did your one do that was so terrible?

MELODY              It wasn’t what he did, as such.

JANEY                   Okay. So what was it then?

MELODY              Okay, well…

The doorbell rings. Melody  breaks off.

MELODY              Who’s that?

JANEY                   It’s alright – I ordered pizza. I’ll be right back and then you can tell me everything over a slice of Hawaiian.

Janey picks up her purse and leaves.

MELODY              Ugh. Pineapple.

After a few moments, Janey  returns, looking awkward.

JANEY                   Er, Melody, it’s…

MELODY              What? Has the delivery guy written that he loves you inside the lid again?

JANEY                   No, it’s…

ROBERT enters.

ROBERT                Melody, I…/

MELODY              What are you doing here?

ROBERT                You seemed upset.

MELODY              So you followed me home?!

ROBERT                Not as such, I already knew where you lived. I picked you up from here.

MELODY              And I gave you that information so that you could pick me up to take me to dinner, not so you could come round whenever you like and…and…

ROBERT                Apologise?

MELODY              Exactly.

JANEY                   Chill out, Mels. He’s not exactly stalking you. (to Robert) You’re not, are you?

ROBERT                No.

JANEY                   Good.

MELODY              That’s not the point. I was mortified. I’ve never been so embarrassed!

ROBERT                Why? I mean what was so embarrassing?

MELODY              It just was, okay? All those people gawping at me, laughing at me, wolf whistling!

JANEY                   Bloody hell, you didn’t take her to a strip club, did you?

ROBERT                No, it was a basketball game.

JANEY                   A what?

ROBERT                A basketball game. My younger borther plays; I told him I’d never miss a game, that’s why we went to dinner so early. (to Melody) You didn’t have to come.

MELODY              I wish I hadn’t.

ROBERT                I’m sorry. It was just a kiss.

MELODY              It’s not the kiss; the kiss is insignificant.

JANEY                   That bad, huh?

MELODY              Shut up, Janey, this isn’t about you.

JANEY                   Okay, sorry! Just trying to lighten the mood. Maybe I should just go and wait for my pizza to arrive.

MELODY              Maybe you should.

JANEY                   Maybe I will.

MELODY              Will you?

JANEY                   Of course, I’ll leave you to it.

Janey takes her purse again, and leaves.

ROBERT                Look, Melody, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that would happen, but it’s just a stupid tradition. No one will remember it.

MELODY              I’ll remember it. I’ll never forget it.

ROBERT                Come on, you’re overreacting.

MELODY              What? What did you just say?

ROBERT                Well, I…/

MELODY              (hysterically) Did you just say I’m overreacting? Is that what you said? It was humiliating, completely and utterly humiliating. I won’t ever forget what happened tonight and I never want to see you again. Goodnight.

ROBERT                But…

MELODY              I said goodnight!

Melody storms from the room, slamming the door, and leaving Robert confused in her wake. He sinks down onto the sofa.

ROBERT                Huh.

Janey returns bearing pizza in a box in one hand, a slice in the other.

JANEY                   Talk didn’t go well then?

ROBERT                No. Not as such, no.

JANEY                   She’ll probably come around in a day or so.

ROBERT                Do you think so?

JANEY                   Yeah, she usually rethinks everything once she’s calmed down. She’ll be calling you up and apologising profusely and offering to buy you dinner to make up for it. All smiles and laughter.

ROBERT                Really?

JANEY                   Yeah, she does this almost every time. She always laughs it off when she’s calmed down. As long as you didn’t tell her she was overreacting. She hates that. Especially when she’s overreacting.

ROBERT                Oh.

JANEY                   Oh. Sorry, should have warned you. I once said she was overreacting because I used a bit of her cheese, and she didn’t talk to me for three weeks.

ROBERT                Really?

JANEY                   Yeah. I still think putting a cheese wheel in my bed when I was sleeping was going a bit far though.

ROBERT                Oh, well, that’s that then.

JANEY                   Have some pizza, it’ll take the edge off.

ROBERT                Thanks. Maybe I should go for someone a bit more easy going next time.

JANEY                   Maybe you should. What exactly happened?

ROBERT                We were on the kiss cam.

JANEY                   The what?

ROBERT                It’s this silly thing at the basketball. They’ve got these screens, right, so that everyone can see what’s happening and to put the scores on and so on. If the camera people see a couple kissing in the crowd they put them up on the screen. Just a bit of fun really.

JANEY                   Doesn’t sound too bad to me.

Robert opens the pizza box to retrieve a slice.

ROBERT                Well, Melody didn’t seem to think so. It says “I love you” in this pizza box.

JANEY                   Yeah, the delivery guy writes it. Think he’s got a crush on me.

ROBERT                How longs he been doing that?

JANEY                   A few months. It’s not biggie.

ROBERT                Oh. Well, I ought to go. There’s a few more matches still to play; wouldn’t want to be missed.

JANEY                   It’s very sweet that you go to all your brother’s games.

ROBERT                Thanks. I don’t suppose you like basketball. I’ve got a spare ticket now.

JANEY                   Basketball’s not really my thing.

ROBERT                Fair enough.

She gets up from the sofa.

JANEY                   I like the sound of the kiss cam though.  (she beckons him out of the door) Come on.

Lights down.

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