Usually I find titles quite easy, but every so often I write something for which a title doesn’t immediately suggest itself. This week was one of those weeks, so apologies for the title, but here’s a new script for your entertainment. Hope you enjoy!



A doctor’s surgery. Daytime. Various people are sitting waiting to be seen. Of these, our focus becomes a young couple:  ISSY and OSCAR. Issy is looking at her phone and Oscar is looking slightly bored. He fidgets for a while and eventually Issy looks up at him.

ISSY                 You don’t have to be here, you know?

OSCAR           What?

ISSY                 I said, you don’t have to be here.

OSCAR           I know. I’m your moral support.

ISSY                 I’m a big girl.

Oscar laughs.

ISSY                 Figuratively speaking.

OSCAR           Depends which part of you we’re talking about.

Oscar laughs again. Issy gives him a look.

OSCAR           I meant your breasts/

ISSY                 (interrupting) I got that, thank you.

A pause.

OSCAR           Will they be checking those today too?

ISSY                 No. It’s a cervical smear.

OSCAR           Oh. I could check them for you afterwards if you like?

ISSY                 I’m about to have one small and invasive thing inside me, why would I want another?

OSCAR           Hey!

ISSY                 Joking.

OSCAR           Not funny.

ISSY                 So you can joke about the size of my boobs, but I can’t joke about the size of your penis?

OSCAR           Exactly. Anyway, I said your breasts were big.

ISSY                 And that’s a compliment is it?

OSCAR           It was meant to be.

ISSY                 So you wouldn’t like me if I had smaller boobs?

OSCAR           No.

ISSY                 No?!

OSCAR           No, I meant that of course I’d still like you.

ISSY                 Of course you did.

OSCAR           I did!

ISSY                 But me having big boobs is better than me not having big boobs?

OSCAR           I didn’t say that.

ISSY                 You said that saying I have big boobs is a compliment.

OSCAR           And you said I had a small penis.

ISSY                 The size of my boobs is not important and neither is the size of your penis. No matter how small it is.

OSCAR           (too loudly) I do not have a small penis.

Everyone in the surgery turns to look at the pair of them. Oscar looks sheepish and Issy laughs to herself.

ISSY                 That’s right, you tell them, darling.

OSCAR           I’m not talking to you.

ISSY                 Oh, don’t be like that. It’s not all about size. Some of it is skill.

OSCAR           That’s just what women say to make small men feel better.

ISSY                 Maybe. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never needed to say it to you.

OSCAR           Oh, well, that’s alright then.

ISSY                 Men!

OSCAR           What?

ISSY                 Tell them they’ve got a small penis and they act like you’ve just shot their mother. Tell them that they’ve got a penis like an anaconda and they’re the happiest they’ll ever be. It’s all about penises with you.

OSCAR           It is our defining characteristic.

ISSY                 And they are, more or less, roughly the same size. Besides which they’re not the only appendage that you can use in the bedroom. Do you worry about the size of your tongue or your fingers? No. It’s all about the penis. You’re all ridiculous.

OSCAR           Are you saying that I have small hands?

ISSY                 I’m saying that your self-worth should be based on more than just the thing hanging between your legs.

OSCAR           I agree.

ISSY                 Good.

OSCAR           But it is a good size, right?

ISSY                 Oh for God’s sake!

OSCAR           What? I just want to know. I wouldn’t want you to be unfulfilled.

ISSY                 You mean unfilled.

OSCAR           That’s disgusting.

ISSY                 Is it? So you don’t want to fill me after this then…

OSCAR           No, I wasn’t saying that. I’d love to fill you after this.

ISSY                 And they say romance is dead.

OSCAR           We can light a candle beforehand if you want?

ISSY                 You assume I’ll be able to wait that long.

OSCAR           Now who’s being unromantic?

ISSY                 Complaining?

OSCAR           Hell no.

They kiss. A buzzer goes indicating the next appointment, breaking them apart. They look expectant, but the appointment is not for Issy. Another person gets up to attend her appointment.

OSCAR           She got here after us.

ISSY                 So?

OSCAR           So shouldn’t you be next?

ISSY                 Not if her appointment was first. It’s not a male hairdressers.

OSCAR           Barbers.

ISSY                 Barbers then. Anyway, I’m in no hurry to go in.

OSCAR           Don’t you want to get it over and done with?

ISSY                 Yes, I suppose. But, you know, with my mum and everything…

She trails off. Oscar takes her hand.

OSCAR           It’ll be okay. I know it.

ISSY                 Yeah.

OSCAR           And I’m here. I can come in with you if you like. Hold your hand.

ISSY                 Thanks, but there are some aspects of my vagina I’d like to keep a mystery.

OSCAR           Such a tease.

ISSY                 But, really, thanks. I’m glad you’re here.

OSCAR           Nowhere else I’d rather be.

They look around at the surgery.

OSCAR           With you, I mean. Not here.

ISSY                 You’re silly.

The buzzer goes again.

ISSY                 That’s me.

OSCAR           Er, good luck?

ISSY                 Not sure that’s entirely appropriate, but thanks. You can go get a coffee if you like.

OSCAR           It’s okay. I’ll wait. I can read one of these interesting pamphlets.

ISSY                 Having problems with vaginal dryness, are you?

OSCAR           Not since I met you.

ISSY                 You’re a dick.

OSCAR           I love you too.

A pause. A moment. Oscar looks awkward. Issy taken aback.

OSCAR           I mean/

Issy kisses him.

ISSY                 I love you too.

Another buzzer. Issy turns.

ISSY                 Got to go.

OSCAR           I’ll be right here.

ISSY                 I’ll be right back.

Issy walks off to attend her appointment. Oscar picks up a pamphlet and opens it with a little smile to himself.





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