Search Terms

I got a lovely message from wordpress this week saying that my stats were booming. My initial thought was that it was nice they keep track of these things and that it was surprising, especially given my lack of recent updates. As I was rooting around in the various stats that were presented I found a list of all the search terms that had ever been used to get to my site. Some are fairly generic – people looking for me, people looking for other, more famous, people called Nick Palmer. Some I could understand how they got to a particular post or where they misspelled my name. There was even one quite troubled soul who had got to my site by entering into a search engine, rather than, you know, just going to that address.

Via whoufflelibraryBless you, whoever you are.

But amongst them were some that were baffling and silly and I thought I’d collect these here for posterity. If nothing else, should anyone search for these terms again they’ll get to my site once more.

All Writers Are Drunk

This might well be a little bit true. Many writers are known for their relationship with alcohol. All I can say with any certainty is that I’m not currently drunk.

images abi titmuss new years party 2009

I find it touching that someone thought I was well known enough that Abi Titmuss may have invited me to her New Year’s Party, but I wasn’t so I don’t have any pictures of it. Sorry.

Why can’t Jehovah’s Witnesses read The Hobbit?

I’m not specifically sure, not being one, but perhaps because of the fantasy elements of the book. A quick google search threw up a forum where someone had been told that reading The Lord of the Rings was opening him up to demon influence. Guess it’s to do with that. Even though Tolkien was a staunch Catholic Christian. Religion, eh?

Who is the old man who sang moonshine?

I’m sorry, but I have no idea. Certainly wasn’t me.

Date of vibrant Gujurat in Navratri

Um, yeah. No idea. Sorry.

What to do with a hand reared Harris Hawk

Not my particular area of expertise, but I guess maybe contact the RSPB or RSPCA or some other falconry expert. My guess is that you’ll have to keep looking after it until it dies, because it won’t survive in the wild. I don’t know. Maybe it’ll be fine. In the meantime, enjoy owning a bad ass animal. Still, the welfare of the animal should be your highest priority, of course.

Kristen Stewart Addiction

If that had been “aversion” I’d have understood.

Woman beening strangled as she brushes her hair [sic]




Selfies of women getting fucked


Via replygif


Nicholas Palmer author fuck

Hoping that’s not the same person who searched for the two immediately above. I’m also not sure if they’re looking for a book I’ve written called “Fuck”, a poem, play or blog post, or if this is a very roundabout proposition of sexual intercourse. Still, nice to get the attention.

Fuck yes nick palmer

Awww. Thanks. Much better than fuck no.

my son nick poems

I really hope that this was one of my parents and they just forgot how searching the internet works. It’s rather sweet to imagine one of them sitting down and asking Google to bring them the poems that their son wrote. If it’s not one of my parents it’s just plain creepy.

Clive Anderson


Via replygif.comWhat?


4 Responses to “Search Terms”
  1. dad says:

    I hvae never entered my son nick poems into a search engine sorry and it should have been does my old man drink moonshine?

    • Nick says:

      Haha, it’s a mystery then. Maybe someone else’s son Nick does poetry too 🙂 And maybe, but that’s a loaded question!

  2. Wasn’t me either!

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