Paradise (Lost): In The Beginning…

GOD sits at a desk; he is writing and there are many balls of screwed up paper strewn about his desk, the floor and the small wastepaper basket, which is itself overflowing with screwed up bits of paper. He looks tired and harassed. After a short time he stops writing, reads through what he has written. As he does so his face falls, and he screws the paper up and tosses it aside. He sighs, leans back on his chair and stretches before taking a new piece of paper from a pile, putting his pen in his mouth. As JESUS enters from SR, GOD starts to write.

JESUS: How’s it going?

GOD: It isn’t.

JESUS: Isn’t what?

GOD: Going.

JESUS: It isn’t going?

GOD: No.

A pause.

JESUS: Okay. What’s not going?

GOD: It.

JESUS: I’m so glad I started this conversation; so far it’s been a blast. What do you mean it’s not going?

GOD: I can’t do it, Jesus. I’ve got writer’s block.

JESUS: Well, where are you up to?

GOD: Genesis.

JESUS: Genesis? (thinks) That sounds quite like the beginning.

GOD: Yes.

JESUS: Okay, so how far into Genesis have you got?

GOD: Er… (he searches through bits of paper, before holding up the fresh piece he was just penning) In the beginning…


GOD: That’s it.

JESUS: That’s it?

GOD: Yes. What do you think?

JESUS: It’s not very comprehensive, is it?

GOD: No. But it’s a start.

JESUS: A start? It’s the start.

GOD: What’s your point?

JESUS: My point is that you’ve been in here working for six days and all you have is “in the beginning…”. It took you less time to create the bloody universe than it’s taking to write about it.

GOD: Has it really been six days?


GOD: I think I’ll take tomorrow off.

JESUS: You always say that. Six days of ‘work’ and then you start in with the “I think I’ll take tomorrow off”.

GOD: What’s wrong with that?

JESUS: What’s wrong with that is that the last time you took tomorrow off, you didn’t come back for six months.

GOD: I got distracted.

JESUS: You got lost.

GOD: I was not lost.

JESUS: You were wandering around Ursa Major looking like this: (JESUS does an impression of someone looking confused and wandering about aimlessly)

GOD: I was distracted by how much dimmer the star Megrez is than the rest in Ursa Major.

JESUS: You liar! You were trying to use the stars Merak and Dubhe to form the line that shows you where Polaris is.

GOD: The universe is a bloody big place you know. One star looks more or less like any other.

JESUS: Which, granted, would be a massive problem if you’d only just arrived and hadn’t been there before, but shouldn’t pose so much of a problem if you were the one that created it.

GOD: What does it matter anyway?

JESUS: It matters because whilst you were away playing silly buggers Adam started getting randy, and I had to create him something to hump away at and continually disappoint. So I head to the cupboard and lo and behold, you’d taken your supplies with you! I had to fashion Eve from Adam’s rib. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to create a human being out of something that wouldn’t look amiss on a barbeque?

GOD: Look, you’re not helping. I’m trying to write here, you know.

JESUS: Okay, okay. Let’s brainstorm. Remind me where we’re up to.

GOD: In the beginning…

JESUS: Yes, of course.

GOD: Well?

JESUS: Well…what did you do next?

GOD: I filled what we now call the universe homogenously and isotropically with an incredibly high energy density, huge temperatures and pressures, causing it to rapidly expand and cool. This triggered cosmic inflation, the universe grew exponentially, leaving it to contain quark-gluon plasma and all other elementary particles. Baryogenesis occurred violating the conservation of the baryon number and thus matter predominated over anti-matter. After a while nucleosynthesis also occurred, and the densest regions of the uniformly distributed matter gravitationally attracted nearby matter and grew denser and stars, gas clouds and galaxies were made.

JESUS: Was that the big bang I heard whilst I was putting the angel on the tree?

GOD: Might have been.

JESUS: You could have warned me! It would have taken all of five seconds to shout out “Jesus, by the way, I’m just starting a universe. Might want to keep your head down.” I fell off the ladder, broke my nose, cheekbone and clavicle, and Lucifer still hasn’t forgiven me for ruining his best frock!

GOD: Are you going to help me write or are you going to bitch?

JESUS: I can’t do both?

Copyright © 2011 by Nicholas Palmer

All rights, including professional and amateur stage performing, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound taping, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as information storage and retrieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved.

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